Well.

It's up. And I'm not on it. I don't know why I even held out hope on this one. Actually, I don't understand how I can work in the profession that I do and make the decisions I do and not be able to brace myself for this.

Obviously (smile), I didn't make the team.

Wow. This one kinda hurt. I think because I actually thought I had a shot. Not so much on talent when, sigh, when it comes right down to it is what you actually need to be a designer. Sigh. But because I really thought I had something unique and gifted to offer.

I can't do this anymore. I mean, it is in my blood to compete. So when people tell me "do it for you and your family" I get a bit angered because I have no family to do it for. I do this for this--to compete for design teams...to win contests. I don't do it to fill a book of pages. That was a bit of the "unique" I felt I had to offer. Anyhow. There are times when you just have to know that you are not it. Somewhat like when I have to tell a wannabe lawyer that really, maybe their talents are better served elsewhere, I really wish that someone, anyone would tell me that maybe my talents are better served somewhere else. I think I could withstand that so much more than "well, you should just keep trying."

The highs are high and the lows are low. Welcome to my world. I get contacted out of nowhere to send in projects off of concept sketches and to be on design teams and I win decently major contests when I know what the rules of play are. But when it is all subjective, I just cannot do it. And the lows are low. This is why despite all the hard work and inate ability I never became a musician or a dancer. And I never truly entertained the idea of professionally doing the photography or design gig and getting trained in it because I could never deal with the constant rejection. So now I see.

Sigh. Just rambling because the places I'd normally do this are so not appropriate for this.

I still love Scrapworks. Still love their amazing product. Still will try again next year. Still will cry a river when I try to break out their stuff and work with it. But such is life. Life in Contest series is back again this year and I still have a CKU Tuition credit to cash in. See--mood swings are horrendous with me. 5 minutes ago I could all but see the keyboard to type.

Thank goodness it is lunch break at work and I HAVE to pull it together.

Deep breath. Time to get back on with my real life.